How Many Corrupt Governments Can Edward Elric Work For
by riinging
Summary: In an attempt to strengthen alliances with other country, the Fuhrer decides to aid the England's magical government by sending them an operative to infiltrate the school. Because Edward Elric's luck is quickly dwindling into nonexistent, he's selected to pose as a student and infiltrate Hogwarts, reporting back to both Central and the Ministry. Fucking wonderful.
1. Chapter 1

**-*-*- ( Chapter 1 - Roy Mustang POV. )**

" _Magic isn't real_. It can't be. End of discussion, fuck this, I'm leaving." Edward Elric glares at the Colonel before him, and folds his arms. He makes no move to leave, though, and Roy Mustang decidedly counts this as progress.

"Fullmetal, this assignment was given from the Fuhrer. The _president of our country_." Roy argues for the _fifth_ time, already feeling the headache coming on. He rubs at this temples at Ed mutters something about 'overthrowing' and 'president of our country'. Mustang ignores this. "Do the words 'court martial' mean anything to you, Fullmetal? You can't research your Philosopher's Stone from inside a military jail cell."

He waves the mission packet tauntingly in front of Edward's face. Ed takes it stiffly, still glaring. Roy counts this, too, as progress, and sits back in his chair mockingly; waiting until Fullmetal has read the whole packet.

 **( Timeskip - 010 minutes. Edward POV. )**

" _Thank you_ , Fullmetal. Was that so hard?" Roy gives one of his perfected shit-eating grins, specifically designed to make Edward twitch with the effort of not strangling him. It works.

"Now, your mission details were all inside that packet. Your goal is to cooperate with the magical government of England in hopes of securing an alliance with them. You will travel to the country of England, a country bordering Creta. And don't worry about the transportation," the Colonel adds as Ed opens his mouth. "Our associates in England apparently 'have that covered'. From there, you will meet with - and Fullmetal, do _not_ tell me again that magic isn't real - the Minister of Magic, who will discuss with you further about your mission goals."

"Whatever," Ed snaps, irritated about being pulled away from Al and all of his research. Annoyed with standing, he sprawls down into the nearest chair, golden eyes blazing. "Is anyone going to actually tell me what this so-called 'mission' is, or should I just bullshit _everything_?"

This makes Mustang rub his temples and sigh, heavily. Whatever. Edward isn't in the business of making the Colonel happy. "Fullmetal, I first must stress the importance of this mission," his dark gaze is serious for once, which means they're in some serious shit, if Ed's translating that right.

Roy doesn't care whatever the blond is translating, though. He continues, still in serious mode, which Ed finds is fucking _annoying_. "This mission, if you actually do it correctly, which I'm skeptical of - " he ignores Edward's growl - "then we have a great amount to gain. First, our country will gain a powerful and _magical_ \- " another growl - "ally. There have also been talks, about four years ago, about the Philosopher's Stone."

 _That_ gains Edward's interest. He feels his head snap up, leaning in despite himself. "They have a _Stone_?!"

"Not anymore." Mustang's face is grim. "And Fullmetal, that's not all." And he begins to move away from the Philosopher's Stone topic, which, _hell no_.

"Go back to the Stone part," Ed insists. "How did they get one? This packet says they use...some fucked up 'magic' thing, not alchemy. Can magic make a stone without the deaths?"

Roy sighs, again. Ed figures this has got to be some sort of record for making the Colonel Bastard sigh, awesome. "Fullmetal, I'd like to get through this mission briefing _today_. But as far as I can tell, their version of the stone only offered immortal life and unlimited gold. However, their magic is quite interesting. Only certain individuals are born with magic, it's not an art everyone is capable of learning, like alchemy."

"What the fuck?"

Colonel Bastard ignores him, _again_. Ed doesn't get it, he's bringing up some really good points, here.

"Their magic allows these certain individuals, with the use of a wand, to perform acts much like alchemy, but there's... no price. It's almost like the addition of their stick completely removes equivalent exchange."

Here, Mustang begins to look slightly worried, and Ed can't blame him, thoughts running a mile per minute. The blond's face turns carefully blank, formulas and schemes racing through his brain as the Colonel continues to speak. "Because of this, the Fuhrer has some ulterior motives to this mission. The Ministry of Magic appears to want to send someone to infiltrate their school of magic, _Hogwarts_."

Edward chokes. Roy seems to share the sentiment.

"They seem to think certain people in this school are causing 'political unrest', and are... trying to to overthrow the government by claiming a dangerous mass-murderer is back from the dead. We recommended to the Minister that we send one of our own to infiltrate this school, to help form our alliance."

Ed starts to get a very bad feeling about this, aside from the whole mass-murderer thing, which isn't even his problem.

"They were understandably dubious we had anyone to fit the age requirements of the school, but as it turns out, we do. Isn't that _great_ , Fullmetal?"

The alchemist in question stares at the Colonel in horror. "You... you _can't_ send me to a school, you bastard! That shit goes on for ages, I can't be away from Al, a-and my research that long! And besides, it's...a _school_!"

"You're right, I can't. The Fuhrer can, though!" Mustang looks way too fucking smug for this situation, and Ed sits back, fuming. "Listen closely, Fullmetal, because here's where the 'ulterior motives' come in. We've decided that these magic-holders, 'witches' and 'wizards', hold too dangerous amounts of power. In case the alliance doesn't work out and another country gets to them first, we could be facing war with _another_ country. Therefore, on top of infiltrating this school and helping the Ministry, research their magic. Find weaknesses, chinks in the armor, so to speak, for if we ever need to face them in battle."

Edward stares. Then he stares some more, just for the hell of it. "Wait. I thought they were our allies?" he says, dumbfounded. "You literally _just_ said they were our allies. We're spying on them anyway?"

"No, actually."

He brightens.

" _You're_ spying on them, Fullmetal."

Ed leans back, looking defeated, and lets out a noise of disgust. Along with several rude choice words about what the military does to its allies.

Colonel Mustang also leans back, raising an eyebrow. "You happen to be _in_ the military, don't forget that. You should leave to pack, soon; the representatives from England's magical government will be arriving soon. Their government will probably be condescending and dubious at first that a child is in the military - do _not_ mess up our relation with them just because of this. Suck up to them, bullshit, whatever you need to do, Fullmetal." he doesn't give Ed any time to argue this, which is a pity, because this whole 'suck up' and 'condescending' thing is a topic that Edward would _really like to argue_.

"Oh, and Fullmetal," the Colonel pauses, something that could almost pass for concern in his face, if the bastard felt human emotions like 'concern'. "Be careful. We don't know the extent of their abilities, yet."

Edward struggles with a response, for a moment. Just a moment, though. "Whatever, Colonel Bastard. You be careful too, I guess." With _that_ heartfelt exchange done, he awkwardly flees the room before Mustang could drop anymore truth-bombs on him. Like, what, could wizards teleport around now? Ha. Right.

 **-*-*- ( Time-skip: 040 minutes. Edward Elric POV. )**

Okay, so apparently wizards _could_ teleport, now. Fucking great. It didn't help that Mustang, Havoc, and the rest of the office were all laughing at him. Hey, it was _perfectly_ justified if he flipped out when two unknown wizards suddenly appeared in their office with no warning except a _fucking loud_ cracking noise. Perfectly. Justified, no matter what Hawkeye said.

Ed is still fuming as the older of the two wizards, witches, what _ever_ , step forward. Her voice is cool and collected, which he can kind of respect, okay.

"Colonel Mustang's office?" she asks, almost as if she were a secretary who had walked through the door like a _normal_ fucking person instead of, say, very loudly teleporting.

The Colonel, to his credit, hasn't look remotely fazed the whole time, which Ed figures is completely unfair. "That would be us. I don't want to take up too much of your time." He's _oozing_ charm by now, gross weaselly powers turned up to the maximum. And this wizard... witch? Whatever. She's actually not buying into it, so this is clearly a day of miracles.

Mustang clears his throat, gesturing to Ed. "This is one of our most-capable alchemists, Edward Elric, also known as the Fullmetal alchemist. He's the one who will be working closely with your Ministry and helping further our alliance." He shoots a _look_ at Ed, probably mentally telling him to be 'polite' or 'courteous' or some shit that only weasel-bastards care about. Instead, the blond gives the two witches a grudging nod - it's the best they're going to get, at least.

The two magic-users seem taken aback by his rudeness, so _they're_ clearly suckers. But the one who had first spoken recovers quickly, so that's all win.

The second witch, though, takes this rather poorly. "Wha - they're _actually_ sending a kid? I thought that was a joke?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL THAT A DWARF - "

Mustang cuts of his rant smoothly. "Fullmetal, here, is the only one capable of infiltrating your school as a student, something I think you'll find will be quite useful," his tone suggests that these two representatives from England's Ministry should have obviously understood this to begin with. The second witch blushes and scowls a bit, so okay, the Colonel Bastard is _sometimes_ useful.

"Still... we weren't under the impression you hired _children_ ," the second witch says, still trying to argue her point.

"They don't," Ed snaps before Mustang can do anymore greasy-weasel-talk. If he has to see anymore of that, he's going to scream. And possibly vomit. "The State Alchemist test is the only branch of our military that doesn't have an age limit. They assume the test is hard enough to keep any potential children from entering. Also I'm a child prodigy, genius, whatever. Are we going to leave?"

The first witch, thank god, looks only slightly dazed from this abrupt speech. "Yes - the Minister is expecting us soon, if you have everything?"

At Edward's irritated nod, she bows kind of awkwardly to Colonel Bastard, which is hilarious. Then she nods to her partner, who steps forward and holds out her arm. "We'll be Apparating to the Ministry - that's how we got here, actually."

Ed raises his eyebrows, taking a firm step back. "Uhm, _no_. Can we walk or take a train or do something a fucking normal person would do instead of, say, teleporting?" If he sounds desperate, it's understandable, okay.

"No, we can't," the second witch says, sighing. "We're on a clear time limit here - the Minister will be expecting us any time now."

With that, she steps forward, and snags Ed's arm before he can continue to argue, because he _totally would've_. She does something really weird with her heel, and then all three of them disappear with a loud crack, off to the magical Ministry.

Fucking joy.

 **-*-*- ( CHAPTER END - AUTHOR'S NOTE. )**

Next chapter will be Ed off to the Ministry, so probably be prepared for lots of freakouts, fights, etc.

This chapter probably started off a bit choppy and weird, but I fixed whatever I could! Heads up, I haven't written anything like this in a _long_ time, so it'll take me some time to get back in the swing of things wh oops. But I hope you guys like this! Please read and review!


	2. Chapter 2

**-*-*- ( Chapter 2 - Edward Elric POV. )**

Upon being Apparated to the Ministry, Edward Elric proceeded to do what any normal, self-respecting person would do upon being forcibly teleported somewhere through the use of magic. He falls to the ground, coughing and gagging against the urge to throw up, and swears very loudly to never do that again. It was probably through a miracle and years of reflexes that he doesn't fall into the nearby fountain (which Ed finds to be an actually _really_ _creepy_ fountain, okay).

Eventually, the alchemist picks himself off the ground with a surly expression, gagging one more time for good measure. He ignores everyone in the vicinity who was staring at the scene he'd made, instead rounding on the witch. "You could've given me some _warning_ ," he hisses to the one who had teleported him there. She grins, apparently entertained. Good for fucking her.

She extends a hand to him, because introductions are _definitely_ the right thing to do when one party is attempting to not dry heave. Ed decidedly doesn't shake it, and she slowly retracts her hand. Her grin remains up, though, so shit.

"I'm Tonks," she says, cheerfully. What the hell's there to be cheerful about, anyway? "By the way, I'm an Auror, and - obviously - the one who Apparated you here. My partner went to go tell the Minister we're here, so if you'll follow me then we'll go meet up with them."

She starts to walk off while she's _still_ _talking_ , and Ed has to scurry to keep up. Which is annoying, because he _doesn't_ fucking scurry.

With the pair actually going somewhere, alchemist begins to examine the vast room, filled with wizards and witched bustling on their way to wherever the fuck their going. From the chemical makeup of the room, the alchemist figures they're underground somewhere. Compared to Central's buildings, the architecture is much fancier. So it's a good thing, Ed figures, that he could literally _not_ care less about architectural fanciness.

Shoving his hands into his pockets, Ed tries to ignore the stares he was drawing, ducking his head. "Er, so what's an Auror? And Apparating?" he mutters, just to break the increasingly-awkward silence. Tonks herds him into a ridiculously fancy elevator (which looks like it also moves _sideways,_ what the hell) before bothering to answer him. Great.

"Oh, that's right! You don't really know. Er, so Aurors are pretty much like your military, I think. We catch Dark Wizards and wizards breaking the law; it's a tricky job t' get into but it's _really_ cool and important. And Apparating is pretty much just a super fast way to get around. You need your wand to do it, though, and it's pretty hard to do without losing a body part or two."

Ed stares in horror. _Blatantly_ stares in horror. "But you're fine with Apparating _me_ around?"

She completely waves off his concern, which totally isn't fair, because he really can't stand to lose any _more_ body parts. While he's brooding on this, Tonks halts in front of, surprise, _another_ fancy door, labeled 'Minister of Magic: Cornelius Fudge.'

Tonks knocks formally, and a high-pitched voice inside commands the two to enter, door swinging open with gusto. Basically, Ed's first look at the room is blatantly disappointing, and his eyebrows go flying up despite himself.

To his left, there's a tall dark man who Tonks nods to. He's the kind of person Ed would normally respect, but the bright blue and purple dress he's wearing really kills all the man's dignity. So, no respect there.

There's also a _toad-lady_ in the room, because why the fuck not. She's smiling at Ed sweetly, which he totally doesn't buy, but her clothes are such a bright pink he thinks he might go blind if he stares at her any longer.

The first witch he met in Mustang's office is also there, so okay, but next to _her_ is wimpiest man Edward has ever seen in his life, sitting at his desk. The man is noticeably sweating, and he's wearing a goddamn _bowler_ _hat_. Do these wizards just not understand how to dress themselves? _Why_ Amestris is allying themselves with these idiots, he has no idea.

Mustang's wise words along the line 'be a suck-up and a bullshitter' come back to him, great life advice there, so thank you, Colonel Bastard. Ed steps forward and clears his throat, giving the wimpy man ( _he's_ the only one sitting at the desk, so Edward's assuming he's the Minister, here) a nod that's as polite as he can manage. Judging from the man's face, he doesn't quite manage it, but Ed's not in the business of making this guy happy.

Tonks does some damage control, bless her. "Minster," she greets the sitting wimpy man respectfully, so Ed was _totally_ right on that part. "This is the Fullmetal Alchemist that Amestris sent us, Edward Elric."

The blond figures she would pull off the formal thing a lot better if she didn't sound so blatantly doubtful while saying his name.

"It's a g-great pleasure to meet you, Mr. Elric. We look forward to working with you to, ah, establish relations with Amestris," the Minister greets him, sounding strained, and giving Ed a pathetically weak smile.

It's an entirely unimpressive showing, so Ed just nods again with a muttered, "Yeah."

The Minister seems to be happy with this acknowledgement, and goes about introducing all the others in the room. The only name he bothers to tune in to is when the Minister introduces, "This is my Senior Undersecretary - " the woman beams at this, what the hell. That really doesn't sound like an impressive job. " - Dolores Umbridge. She'll be posing as the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts, and will assist you in infiltrating the school. At Hogwarts, you will report back to her on your progress, and she'll report all of your two findings to me."

Ed finds he is, understandably, not happy to have to report in to a _toad_ , and almost says so. But if his brother was here, Al would hit him for saying such a rude thing and then apologize, because Al cares about things like not insulting authority figures, _whatever_.

Instead, the Ed just scowls, and says, "So what exactly am I investigating at Hog-Hogwa... the school?" Ed holds up the packet Mustang gave him, flapping it and looking extraordinarily unimpressed. "This thing was pretty vague. I dunno who we're supposed to be looking at."

The Minister proceeds to look even more nervous and wipes his brow, a clear sign that this _entire_ mission is a wash, fuck Edward's life.

"W-well, you see... erm, do you know anything about recent wizard history at all?" the Minister asks, and Ed takes a moment to think that if _this_ is seriously the guy running the magical government, then everyone is _screwed_ , the end.

"Only what I know from this packet," Ed responds, because duh. "It's something like, Mold kills everyone except a baby, baby kills Mold, happiness and rainbows. Well, until baby claims he didn't actually kill Mold, I dunno."

His summary of recent wizard history is received with a stunned silence. Everyone in the room looks dazed, until the first witch speaks up, voice distant. "Uhm, are you _sure_ you're a genius?"

Ed just glares at her, because fuck that.

The next to speak is the Minister, nice recovery there. "N-Not exactly. Basically, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named - "

"What the _hell_?"

Minister clears her throat, pretending Ed hadn't actually interrupted. Hey, it was perfectly justified, what kind of name _was_ that? " _He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named_ killed hundreds of innocents and sent our government into disarray. His very last kills were a husband and wife, James and Lily Potter. When he tried to murder t-their son, ah, the spell he used to kill the child rebounded and hit him. You-Know-Who - " Ed makes a choking noise - " _died_ that day, and now, finally, the wizarding community has reorganized itself. All of our enemies are safely in A-Azkaban, and there is, frankly, nothing to worry about."

The Minister leans forward as if sharing a secret, hands fidgeting. "However, the child who killed You-Know-Who has, I'm afraid to say, gone a bit mad in the head from fame, it seems. He and the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, are spreading awful lies and slander that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is back from the dead."

Ed _may_ or may not snarl a bit at this, and the Minister flinches. " _No one_ ," Ed snaps, fists clenching in their gloves. "Can come back from the dead. It's _impossible_."

The Minister still looks scared out of his wits, which is awesome, but he nods eagerly. He seems to be pleased Ed agrees with their policy, which is sad - the alchemist didn't want to actually agree with these people on anything. "E-exactly. But Harry Potter and Dumbledore, they're now claiming he's back. I-it's ridiculous!"

Tonks shifts next to him, looking entirely unhappy about this _grand_ conversation they're having. Ed files this bit of information away before continuing, "Great. So, Harry Potter and Dumbledoof? Door? Same thing. They're the one's we're investigating."

The Minister bobs his head, perspiration shining on his brow. "N-now, Mr. Elric, I'm sure your country wouldn't have sent you if you weren't, ah, perfectly capable. But please, how exactly will you fit it with the students in Hogwarts? We've already arranged for you to be placed in fifth year with Harry Potter, as this is a-an undercover assignment, but I'm not quite c-clear on this. I was under the impression that you were from an... entirely _Muggle_ country."

Ed doesn't miss the slight twitch that the Minister, Umbridge, and the first witch do when 'Muggle' is mentioned. He raises an eyebrow - they're not a fan of 'Muggles', whatever the hell that is. "Muggle country?"

"Yes. People who don't possess magic," the toad - Umbridge - speaks up for the first time, voice disgustingly sweet. "But seeing how your country practices _alchemy_ instead, we're entirely willing to look past that and form an alliance with Amestris."

Damn.

"But aside from our country," Ed persists snappily, feeling he should be _very clear_ on this point. "You're not a fan of Muggles, right? People who can't practice any magic?"

"Well, that's a crude way of putting it," Umbridge affirms, giggling like a _five-_ year-old. "But for the most part, I suppose - "

"Fantastic," Ed says quickly, cutting her off. Even if she had useful information to tell him, her voice was grating on his ears like literal knives. "Back to your original question - alchemy has a lot of flashing lights and cool stuff, so from what I've seen of your magic - " he waves the packet for emphasis - "alchemy could be mistaken for magic by people who are oblivious of alchemy. Namely, everyone except for whoever my country has talked with over here. I'm assuming that wouldn't include Harry Potter and Dumbledoof?" And Ed can't help his sneer when he compares his precious alchemy to magic - alchemy was founded on science. _It_ actually made sense.

"You assume correctly," the dark guy in a dress says, also speaking up for the first time. Ed feels pleased. Ha, look at him having an actual conversation like a pro!

"I-If that's all," the Minister interrupts,. "Ms. Umbridge?"

She smiles a sickly sweet smile at Ed, shuffling her papers, which he's fairly sure are bright pink and parchment. What the _hell_.

"You, Mr. Elric, will be placed in Harry Potter's dorms, acting as an exchange student from, ahem, Germany, the country Amestris agreed on. Our relations with them have been strengthened since the war, so the Minister will ask them to back up our claim if asked. Of course, we haven't told them anything about you or your country, Mr. Elric. You will use your... ahem, _alchemy_ to fit in with the students' classes, and plead ignorance from your poorly-executed studies in Germany if you are unaware of anything. Your job will be to tail Harry Potter and find out when and to whom he's spreading those... awful rumors. If he visits Dumbledore at all, we can, of course, assume they're working on their plans to overthrow the Ministry and take their place as Minister."

 _Holy shit_ , Ed thinks. These guys are more paranoid then Mustang is, and _he_ can be executed for treason.

"Also, if he or Dumbledore are doing anything that violates the school's rules or Ministry law, report all this to me immediately. I, meanwhile, will be the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher to further investigate the school and it's poorly-chosen professors. The sooner Harry Potter is expelled and Dumbledore is removed from his station, the better. Ahem, is that clear?" she bats her eyelashes at him, still simpering.

"Crystal," Ed says shortly. If he says anything else, he's sure he would hurl. Besides, the Ministry and Amestris seemed to have most of his completely arranged and planned out before he got here, though Ed really isn't sure how he feels about that.

Regardless, Umbridge and the Minister seems pleased at his answer, though Tonks twitches again, looking kind of angry. Which, _still_ not Ed's problem.

"Excellent! Now, Hogwarts school semester starts in less than a week. Until it begins, you will be given a room in the Ministry, and Kingsley or other Aurors will provide you with books on previous and current Hogwarts curriculum. As you're a... _Muggle_ , you will be given a fake, powerless wand - a plain stick, if you will," Umbridge giggles, as though this conversation is amusing. It's _really_ not. "Dumbledore was insisting upon properly sorting you, but we told him that we had spoken with you and you'd feel most comfortable with one of the towers, as they resemble the architecture in Germany. The first tower, Ravenclaw tower, requires one to solve a riddle to even enter the room, so we informed Dumbledore that you would be best suited with the Gryffindor tower, right where Harry Potter is."

Okay, so the entire Ministry are weirdos _and_ shitty liars. Good to know Dumbledore would _absolutely_ suspect something was up.

('Architecture in Germany,' his ass.)

"From there, it appears that Harry Potter's dorm is the least full of all the fifth-year-dorms. What a coincidence!" Umbridge giggles again, and Ed starts to feel even _more_ uncomfortable about this whole conversation, if that was at all possible.

"Th-that's all, Mr. Elric," the Minister finishes, trying for a friendly smile and overwhelmingly _failing_. "Erm, normally, I'd be a bit more suspicious of sending someone foreign undercover, a-a Muggle no less, but your government has spoken highly of you." Ed almost snorts, but he stops himself just in time. _Think of Al_ , he reminds himself. _What would Al do? Al wouldn't punch all the wizards in the face and storm out, right?_

"Remember," the Minister says, continuing to talk. Does he just really like the sound of his voice? "If you read all the information provided to you and, ah, cooperate efficiently with Ms. Umbridge at the school, then I believe this alliance will go very smoothly."

That's right, Ed reminds himself. The sooner he finished working with these idiots, the sooner he could continue his research and see Al again - hell, he could probably research at the wizard's school. Mustang _had_ said something about the presence of a Stone there.

"Great," Edward says, hoping the wizards don't notice the blatant sarcasm in his voice. He's pretty sure it goes over everyone's head. Well, except for Tonks, who snorts quietly. "I'll be going, then," Ed says, giving the whole room a lazy and utterly half-assed salute before exiting the room. He lets out a loud noise of disgust once he clears the doors, leaning against the wall and silently insulting the entire magical government.

Kingsley follows after him, which would be kind of creepy, except he gravely informs Ed that he'll be taking the alchemist to his temporary room. The guy could use some cheering up, shit. Eyebrows raising high, Ed trails after the wizard-in-a-dress, already wishing this mission was over. Barring that, that he had never been born so he didn't have to _go_ on this mission.

These wizards were already a terrible influence on him, and he hadn't even reached the _school_.

 **-*-*- ( Author's Note. )**

This story is probably going a bit slow right now, but it'll pick up soon! Next chapter is Ed's week at the Ministry, most of it timeskipped, so don't worry. But he sees/meets Harry for the first time, so _that'll_ be interesting lm ao...Also depending on how much I feel like writing, Chapter 3 will probably also include the Ed on the train to Hogwarts! Thank you guys for the favs/follows/reviews, it means a lot! And reviews definitely inspire me to write: hint hint,,

 **QuestionablyCapableGhoul** \- Thanks sm for the review! I'm glad you like it! And yeah, I read a bunch of FMA/HP fics like that and figured I'd like to see him attempt to deal with the Ministry rather than with Dumbledore. And time will tell! Thoughhh looking at Ed's traits that make him really dislike being a dog of the military, he probably isn't going to be friendly at all with the Ministry, _especially_ when he gets to know Umbridge more. Yikes.


	3. Chapter 3

-*-*- ( Chapter 3 - Edward POV. )

Ed's going to kill Mustang for even _thinking_ about sending him on this mission.

It's already been several, monotonous days in the Ministry. Endless hours of re-reading all the magic books he had been supplied with, napping in his room, and reading them again. The Ministry didn't even want him to do alchemy, in case anyone out-of-the-loop saw him. And none of the books he'd been given even touched on explaining why magic worked - it was, by all rights, impossible. No one can just wave a literal _stick_ and make shit happen. There was no equivalent exchange - but every single wand couldn't contain a Philosopher's Stone, right?

In summary, it _sucked_.

Finally fed up with endless boredom, Ed flung open his door with a slam. If he couldn't do anything fun, then he could at least figure more out about this vague and entirely _weird_ mission.

He snags the arm of the nearest wizard to pass by, poor bastard, who immediately flinches away. The entire Ministry was made up of wimps, great. "Where's Umbridge?" he snaps, totally not in the mood.

Ed receives some vague, gibbering directions that are entirely unhelpful - something about a trial? The hell? - before sending the poor bastard on his way; deciding to wander around instead. These people _really_ needed to toughen up if they wanted to form an alliance with Amestris. What the hell would happen if they met Armstrong?

The alchemist pauses in his steps to ponder this, then decides he doesn't even want to think about it. _Everyone_ would _die_.

"Go, go, Harry!" a loud voice from behind him hisses. Ed turns just in time to see two people barreling down the hallway like their life _depends_ on it. Out of habit, he checks behind them to see if they're being chased by anything he could beat up - no such luck.

The two sprinters come to a halt in front of an ornate door. The first is short and young, with messy black hair and looking vaguely panicked. The second is a tall adult with bright red hair, the poor bastard.

"Go on, Harry," the adult pants, jerking his head towards the door and looking extraordinarily nervous for the kid. "Get in there."

Wait a fucking _second_ , is this the trial? The one with Umbridge inside? Holt shit, Ed's a _genius_.

"Aren't - aren't you coming with me?" the kid asks, wide-eyed. Edward almost feels sorry for him.

"No, no, I'm not allowed. Good luck!"

Okay, definitely the trial, then. Ed shrugs, deciding here is the best place to be. At least, until he can accost Umbridge and demand more answers about the mission.

The next thing Ed tunes into, the kid - Harry? - had slipped in through the doors, revealing a glance of dozens of wizards in stands, all wearing black dresses - even the males. That's just fucking _creepy_.

But sure enough, before the doors slam shut, he notices a bright flash of pink in his vision - Umbridge _is_ in there. Ha. Unfortunately, she's not out, so Ed has nothing better to do than lean back against the cold marble walls and wait.

 **( Timeskip - 010 minutes. Edward POV. )**

He's jolted out of his thoughts by an old-ass man in, _surprise surprise_ , a sparkly star dress, coming down the corridor. The man barely spares Ed a glance, instead dramatically sweeping through the doors. Edward can hear literal gasps on the other side of the doors, which, that's just _sad_.

Nothing else happens for a while, so Ed starts to carve alchemical formulas on the walls. Hey, the Ministry has magic and they can clean it up just fine, so screw them.

The hallway remains boringly silent until the old man sweeps through the doors with, _again_ , way too much drama for an old guy. He could die of a heart attack, Ed's just being careful, here. After him trails the black-haired kid, looking relieved. Ed really doesn't care about whatever rainbow party the kid's now going to have, so he ignores him and keeps carving shit on the wall.

The kid probably gives him a weirded-out look, but Ed doesn't care.

Eventually, _finally_ , the black-dress people inside the room start trickling out. Some of them are happy, a few looking angry; probably at the results of the trial, suckers. Umbridge is one of the last to emerge, and yikes, she looks pissed.

Ed quickly reaches her before she disappears with the crowd, and soon they're the only two in the hallway; give or take a few lurking wizards. Everyone else clearly wanted to blow this joint as soon as possible, and Edward couldn't blame them.

The blond's mouth opens to deliver a long, loud rant about his boredom, or something, but the toad beats him to it. "I can't believe the _insolence_ ," she says, eyes bulging. Ed figures she's talking to him at first, and he sort of backs off. An international incident is not on his list of things to do today.

"He and Dumbledore - just like they own the courtroom!" Umbridge screeches.

Okay, so. Probably not talking about Ed, then. "What?" he asks, because he has no idea _what's_ going on, here.

Umbridge looks slightly appeased at the opportunity to rant, so Edward definitely shouldn't have asked that question. "Harry Potter," she snaps, as though she was saying 'Mouth of Hell' instead of some kid's name. "Was on trial for performing magic in front of a Muggle. And Dumbledore has gone mad, thinking he owns the Wizengamot - he marches right in and demands we set Potter free!"

"Wait, _that_ was Harry Potter? The kid with black hair?" Ed feels very out-of-the-loop. Would it kill them to be straight with him, for once?

Umbridge nods, face twitching at the mention of him. Which is admittedly hilarious. "Oh, yes. He performed magic right in front of the Muggle, and was placed on a completely reasonable trial," her teeth clench, sugar-sweet tone almost gone. That's how Ed knows she's really fucked-up, right now. "He should be in jail, not prancing free to spread more insane lies!"

 _She_ looks kind of insane, right now. A lot more insane than Harry Potter, at least; from what he's seen. Ed's questioning the validity of this conversation.

Of course, Ed might be a bit prejudiced. _His_ type of insane people like to laugh while blowing up small children, _Kimbley_.

"Gotcha," he says, because he really doesn't understand, but does not want to hear anything more about this topic.

Umbridge looks confused for a moment, her little-girl voice returning. Fuck, he thought that had been gone for good. "Ah, Mr. Elric, but aren't you supposed to be in your room reading the books we supplied you?"

Ed frowns at her. "I did. Four times." And proceeded to throw them all at a wall out of boredom, possibly using alchemy, but he's not mentioning that to her.

"Oh?" she looks surprised and kind of pleased - at least he's doing something right. _See_ , Mustang? He can totally do this mission. "Well, then, we'll have to get you some more books to study with!" she giggles, entirely unnecessarily. "Now, Mr. Elric, the train to Hogwarts leaves in about two days. Are you all ready?"

He'd be _readier_ if she'd stop talking to him like a five-year-old. "Yeah," Ed says, feeling a headache coming on from her voice.

"Excellent!" she smiles at him, then turns and walks away. No dismissal or _anything_ , what the hell.

Ed shrugs and keeps wandering down the hallway back to his room, bad mood increasing - he didn't even wrestle any mission details from Umbridge. When he returns to his Ministry-supplied room, he finds more nonsensical books waiting for him, not one of them explaining _how_ magic even works. Bad mood dipping into dangerous levels, he kicks the stack with his automail leg, sending them flying - stupid magic books and stupid wizards.

Stalking to his bed with a scowl, Ed flops into it, glaring at the ceiling. Mustang was _definitely_ going to die when Ed returned to Amestris, for this mission alone.

 **( Timeskip - 02 days. Edward POV. )**

The upside to being shaken out of bed by an unhappy Auror who Ed had never seen before, Apparated to a train station, and literally pushed through a _magic wall_ was that at least the endless monotony of the Ministry was broken.

Unfortunately, Ed was now distinctly angry, sick from the stupid teleporting, and annoyed at being unable to figure out the chemical composition of said wall. He had been pushed through it after vocalizing his complaint, loudly, and to his utter surprise he didn't end up brained against the bricks. Instead, he went straight through the wall, ending up right before a blazing red train. Which was, of course, called the Hogwarts Express, because awful names are a _must_ in the wizarding world.

Just then, train made a loud noise that Ed was familiar with - it was going to leave soon, without him on board. That'd put a happy end to this whole mission, and Ed was tempted for a minute to just miss it and go home to Amestris. But then the Ministry would probably want to teleport him to the school, and that was _not_ going to fucking happen.

Grudgingly, Ed made his way up the train steps, lugging his luggage behind him. Umbridge, before he left, had given him an abrupt 'briefing', if it could be call that. It summed up to 'sit with Potter on the train, follow Potter around, don't let Potter spread lies, and make sure you're sleeping in Potter's dorm rooms.'

It was also possibly the creepiest briefing he had ever received - Ed was feeling like _such_ a fucking stalker, here.

Regardless, orders were orders, and Mustang had been very clear about actually following orders (for once) so that this whole mission didn't blow up in _everyone's_ faces.

After walking the entire length of the train, he finally found Potter sitting in one of the back-most compartments, _just_ to make Ed's life difficult. With a shout of triumph, Ed overzealously flung the door open, immediately drawing every single eye in the compartment to him. Not his best idea, okay.

"All the other compartments...were full," Ed offers lamely, glaring at no one and scooting into the compartment. He's sure he looks like an idiot right now; just another reason to _murder_ Mustang in his sleep.

"...And this one isn't, mate?" a male redhead mutters, eyebrows raised.

Ed fixes him with a dark glare, but before he can do his whole bull-shitting thing, a bushy-haired girl saves him. "Of course you can sit in here!" she says, smiling politely. Okay, so _one_ person in the wizarding world has manners, nice to know. "Here, you can sit next to Neville - " she gestures to a nervous looking boy, who tries to subtly shake his head at her, looking panicked.

The alchemist completely ignores this, sprawling himself out next to 'Neville'. The bushy-haired girl immediately starts introducing everyone, bless. "This is Neville - careful of his plant, I'm pretty sure it's dangerous. Next to him is Luna, she's..." Hermione trails off her, clearing her throat. "Then there's Ginny Weasley, and this is Ron, her sister. I'm Hermione Granger, and this is Harry."

Ed nods a bit at them, signaling the discussion is _definitely_ over, and closes his eyes. He's fully prepared to sleep the whole day after the exhausting events of the morning. But apparently, these kids don't know social cues, or they're adept at ignoring them, because Hermione immediately leans forward.

"Erm, so what's your name?" she asks, sounding slightly disapproving.

And Ed has _always_ been a sucker for the whole girl-disapproval thing, no matter what he claims. "It's Edward Elric - call me Ed, or Fullmetal, I don't really care."

"Mm. You have golden eyes," the girl - Luna - says, speaking up, randomly, for the first time. Her voice is distant, and she's reading her newspaper upside down, so Ed is understandably weirded the _fuck_ out.

"Yeah," he snaps, keeping this creepy conversation to mono-syllables.

"Werewolves have golden eyes, y'know," Luna continues, as if he hadn't spoken. She blinks large blue eyes at him, and Ed really has no idea how to respond to this. But Neville next to him appears to _literally_ stop breathing, while Ron and Harry gape.

"What the _hell_ \- I'm not a werewolf."

Luna shrugs, apparently taking that for an acceptable answer, and goes back to reading her newspaper. Upside down.

Ed really, _really_ hates wizards.

Hermione clears her throat, trying to take this conversation away from werewolves, excellent choice. "So, Edward - ah, Ed. I haven't seen you around school, before."

"Yeah," he agrees.

"... _Okay_. Er, why is that?" Harry asks. These wizards are way to curious for their own good, holy shit. But Harry really doesn't seem insane, like, at _all_ \- where is the Ministry getting their facts from, again?

"I'm an exchange student from Germany," Ed mutters, really hoping this story would hold up. "Basically, I'm a genius, so they sent me to England to learn more."

Nearly everyone in the compartment looks awed - and Hermione looks overjoyed, immediately bursting, "That's amazing! Do you have any questions so far? I'm sure it must have been a hard transition. I've read a bit about Germany,y'know, they've only just payed off the debt from Grindelwald's war," she looks at him expectantly, which is bad, because Ed has _no idea_ what she asked him.

"No, I'm good, _really_ ," Edward says, kind of desperately. Couldn't they just let him sleep?

They seem to finally take the hint, and start talking quietly about some 'Quick-ditch', or whatever. Meanwhile, Ed closes his eyes and drifts off to sleep - Umbridge's orders to find out if Harry's spreading more lies be _damned_.

 **( Timeskip - 06 hours. Edward POV. )**

He's jolted awake as the train screeches to a slow halt, blinking his eyes open. Everyone else in the compartment is now, randomly, wearing black dresses - and to think Ed was starting to _like_ these people. Were the dresses a fad, or something?

One of the redheads, Ginny, takes notice of him blearily staring in the corner. "Train's stopped," she offers, raising an eyebrow. "You're supposed to have your robes on, y'know," But she doesn't seem like she particularly cares whether he's breaking that rule or not, so that's all win.

Ed aims a particularly spirited and disgusted look towards their 'robes', folding his arms. "There's no way I'm wearing a dress," he snaps, and Ginny lets out a loud laugh.

"Up to you, mate," her brother shrugs at him, muttering something that sounds suspiciously like 'he's absolutely _bonkers_ ' as he turns away.

Harry snickers at Ron's words, which is totally not cool. _Ed's_ the one investigating _Harry_ for being insane, here.

As the whole group starts to leave the cabin, Ed frowns, trailing after them. "The hell - we're here already?"

Harry shoots him a _look_. "You were asleep for hours, y'know."

No, Ed did not know this, thank you. But before he can vocalize any complaints, Harry suddenly grins as they clamber out of the train; his eyes lighting up as the view of a literal fucking castle comes into view. Well, he's solved one mystery - figures all these people are critically insane, if they have to go to school in a _castle_.

 **-*-*- ( Chapter End - Author's Note )**

Let's end on that cheesy note ok

Anyway, so! Ed's finally done inside the Ministry and is at Hogwarts - now he only has to deal w/ Umbridge and her inevitable tantrums, probably by throwing a few himself. Thank you thank you thank you guys for the favorites, follows and reviews! They definitely inspire me to get chapters out, winks subtly.

 **ANekoForMe** \- I'm super glad you liked it! And thank you, I absolutely loved writing that part - you never know, he might just have to punch someone eventually.

 **Quiet Leaf** \- I know, poor Ed! Let's hope he does. And yeah, I can see why - he's so _done_ with these wizards. And I had a lovely guest say in the anime he doesn't b/c of censors, but in the manga characters _frequently_ comment about his swearing!

 **Guest 1** \- Cakes with cupcakes on top is the best kind of cake - I'm so so glad you love it! Also yes, poor Ed... yep, you gotta love double-agent Ed though xD

 **Guest 2** \- yELLS I'm glad you like the whole 'Mold' thing! Instead of 'Moldyshorts' or 'Voldypants' or whatever, Ed didn't even TRY. And yep, Dumbledore'll know they're sending Ed undercover into his castle in two seconds flat - poor planning on the Ministry's part, so good luck Ed. And we'll have to see! Muhahaha  
'The Rise of Mold' omg xD but yeah! Amestris heard about wizards and they were kind of suspicious, and then heard about evil, world-domination wizards and were like 'okay it's time to send someone in we gotta know how to fight these people'. And yes, knowing the Wizard's they'll likely be shocked, even though they really _, really_ should've seen that coming.

 **Guest 3** \- xD and thanks for letting me know! I haven't completely read the manga yet b/c lack of time and money, but I've seen a few comments in there about Ed's sailor mouth. I didn't really think too much about the censors or the good number of comments on his swearing, (good ol' Ed) so thank you!


	4. Chapter 4

**-*-*- ( Chapter 4 - Edward POV. )**

Harry Potter and Co., as Ed likes to call them, wait for him to stop gawking at the castle before they move on to their chosen means of transport: carriage via death horses, because why not.

Well, they're probably not officially named death horses, but Ed couldn't care less what they're actually called. All he knows is that they're fucking creepy, like everything else in England.

And he's pretty sure Harry freaks the hell out about seeing them, which is the first sign of insanity Ed has seen so far. Why the hell _wouldn't_ he be able to see them? Maybe it's a magic thing - the wizarding world appears adamant that _absolutely_ _nothing_ makes sense, _ever_.

Regardless, Harry and Co. climb into the carriage with no further incident, and the blond's about to climb in after them when Hermione apparently remembers that he exists, thanks.

"Oh!" she exclaims, hands fidgeting. "Erm, if this is your first year, Hagrid - well, Professor Grubbly-Plank - " Ed starts choking, _loudly_ , even though he should have absolutely zero standards for the wizarding world, by now. " - and Dumbledore might want you to go with the first-years to the castle instead of with us, uhm, I'm not sure."

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT YOU COULDN'T EVEN SEE HIM IN A CROWD ELEVEN-YEAR-OLDS WITH A MICROSCOPE?" Ed yells, ignoring Hermione's huff of "That makes no _sense_."

When he eventually calms down, thanks to Ron and Harry's slightly terrified consolation, Ed scowls and manages to raise an eyebrow, judgingly. "You mean, the first-years - "

"Who you do _not_ resemble in terms of height in _any_ way," Harry cuts in.

"Yeah, that. So they go a different way?"

"T-they go across the lake," Neville says, aiming for brave and wildly missing. Ed respects that he _tried_ , though, even if Neville looks like he's been working up the courage to talk to Ed the whole train-and-carriage ride.

But he digresses. "I'm not going to school by fucking _lake_ ," Ed huffs, leaving no room for discussion. He pulls himself up into the carriage seat with a thump, automail limbs causing the carriage to heavily rock. Hermione looks confused, and opens her mouth to say something, until she realizes commenting on weight is rude. At this point she promptly shuts her mouth. See, _she_ has tact.

As far as Ed can tell (he's not putting any effort into actually paying attention, since screw Umbridge), the conversation in the carriage degrades until they're talking about Coo-Ditch again.

Is that some type of wizarding cereal? It _sounds_ like wizarding ceral. Ed really doesn't care, but if he's being sent to spy on some kid who's idea of a good time involves chatting about magic cereal, then he's leaving for Amestris and never fucking looking back, political consequences be damned. "What the hell is Quidditch?"

His lack of knowledge on the sport is extremely understandable, but Harry, Ron, and Ginny all gape at him like _he's_ the insane one.

"Mate..." Ron begins, looking stunned.

"It's a sport. The best sport in the _world_ ," Ginny adds, _also_ looking stunned.

This sparks a discussion where all three of them try to explain at the exact same time exactly what 'Quidditch' is, Hermione cutting in from time to time to offer some huffy remarks. Hell, even Neville tries to speak over Harry's attempts to explain a - what, waffle? Quaffle? - sharing a story about him falling off a broom. God, that's a sentence Ed didn't expect to hear in his life, ever.

If it wouldn't completely go against Umbridge's orders, and therefore the Fuhrer's orders and leading to an unfortunate court-martial, Ed would have left the carriage right then and there. He did not need a lecture on a _magical broom sport_ , thank you.

As it is, Ed is on the verge of falling asleep, again, before the carriage starts to slow. The school towers above him, looking annoyingly impressive - Harry and Co. beam up at it, looking like they're finally home, which is _sad_ for so many reasons. The largest of which being Ed really doesn't want to deal with any of that sappy shit.

Thankfully, they don't start crying rainbows or what _ever_ , instead having a quick conversation about someone called 'Haggard' before the carriage fully halts. Maybe 'Hagrid', Ed neither listens to it nor cares.

The group hastily climbs up the worn stone steps, pausing only briefly before the oak doors before all of them duck inside.

Speaking of unfortunate verb choices, Ed feels a bit like a duck, here, as he trails after Harry and his friends (Luna separates from the group, though - he can't pretend he's miserable about that. One werewolf comment was _enough_ ) to a gold and red table. It's mostly filled with students, talking and chatting quietly - well, mostly _whispering_ as Harry passes by them, poor kid.

Neville firmly sits as far away from Ed as he can get, which, rude. But Hermione actually has manners, for the most part, and kindly maneuvers Ed to sit between her and Harry.

Meanwhile, Ron and Harry seem to have completely forgotten about his entire existence, and are muttering together worriedly about 'Haggard', again. These kids have _no_ attention span, holy shit.

Still, the blond feels like he should give _some_ half-assed attempt to do his job. Haggard could be, like, a mass-murderer working alongside Mold. Or, hell, Haggard could be _more_ magic cereal, Ed has no idea.

"Who's Haggard?" Ed cuts in abruptly, Harry twisting over to him to blink in surprise.

"Er," Potter says, failing _amazingly_ to answer his question. "Shouldn't you go be sorted with the first years?"

"No," is all Ed has to say about that.

Harry just shrugs like he doesn't care what rules Ed breaks or doesn't break, which is awesome, and finally answers him. "Hagrid is the Care of Magical Creatures teacher. Or at least, he was; we have no idea where he is tonight - he couldn't have gotten fired, could he?"

This question is directed to Hermione, who looks equally concerned. "I'm sure Dumbledore wouldn't have fired him," is her extraordinarily unsure answer.

They brood on that in silence for a moment, which is really awkward from Ed's point of view, because no _thank_ you. Finally, Harry gets distracted by something, and gasps up at table in the front of the room where all the teachers are sitting - completely forgetting about Hagrid in the process. Which, is _really_ convenient for Ed, because he was definitely not interested in Harry and Co.'s pity party.

"It's that Umbridge woman!" Harry hisses to Ron and Hermione, pointing up at the high table to where, sure enough, Umbridge is sitting.

Scratch that, Harry's distraction was very, _very_ inconvenient.

"She was at my hearing, she works for Fudge!" Harry continues, entirely oblivious to Ed's desire to bang his head against the wall.

"Nice cardigan," Ron mutters, because _priorities_.

Hermione mutters something over to Harry, which the alchemist doesn't catch, too busy running several scenarios through his head. The bushy-haired girl looks like she's having an epiphany about Umbridge, which _cannot_ be a good thing, when the oak doors burst open.

A severe-looking woman who reminds Ed a bit too much of Teacher enters, with a long line of eleven-year-olds trailing after her like ducks. This is hilarious, but also slightly horrifying because it sparks the mental image of these wimpy, frightened kids following Teacher around. Holy shit, she'd kill them _all_.

Ed shudders a bit, mildly terrified, before he's shaken out of his thoughts. Sometime, in his brief period of having horrifying, Teacher-related thoughts, a hat was brought up to the front of the Hall. A hat which now opens its fucking mouth, and starts singing.

What.

Ed stares for a long, long while, face blank with nothing but pure confusion - before he is reminded that literally _nothing_ here has decided to make sense.

It's actually a pretty useful hat slash song, once Ed deigns to listen to it, informing him of the four houses and the types of students in them. Ed's okay until the hat starts singing about 'internal foes', at which point he tries not to freak the hell out.

Because there's _no_ way the hat's not talking about him and Umbridge, and getting his cover blown in the first three seconds is just embarrassing.

Thankfully, no one seems to put two and two together, so that's all win.

"Branched out a bit this year, hasn't it?" Ron says, when the hat has finally _shut_ _up_.

Hermione nods eagerly, looking as though a million thoughts are running through her head at once. "I wonder if it's ever given warnings before?"

"Yes, indeed," an unknown voice answers.

Ed turns slightly to see who answered the question, expecting to lay eyes on yet another idiot in a dress -

"WHAT THE HELL?" he yells, gaping as a transparent being - it can't be a ghost, no _fucking_ way - floats into his line of sight. The Great Hall suddenly quiets as countless eyes - including the head table - are drawn to Ed.

The ghost looks slightly taken aback, but screw him - this is _impossible_. "Well, now! Ah, I'm sorry if I've startled you, that sometimes happens with Muggle-borns," the ghost says, making an effort to sound good-natured and entirely failing. "I'm Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, at your service - "

"That's impossible," Ed snarls, looking frighteningly unhinged. " _You're_ impossible! Nothing can come back from the dead - "

"Of course not," Nicholas says, miffed and trying to hide it. "But I'm not _alive_ , young man." Offended, the ghost floats off towards safer pastures by the Hufflepuffs.

Hermione stares at him, wide-eyed and frightened, while Harry pretends he's not scooting away from Ed. The alchemist makes an actual effort to look less angry slash miserable, and probably misses by a mile - too many Al-related thoughts are rushing through his head for him to calm down.

In the ensuing silence, the severe-looking lady has finally gotten her shit together, and glares at everyone to make them shut up. Clearing her throat, she calls out a name that goes way over Ed's head. He's too busy glaring at the ghost and muttering to himself about 'impossibilities' and 'equivalent exchange', simultaneously freaking out Harry and probably Hermione. Though, she admittedly hides it better.

"You okay, mate?" Ron asks, safely sheltered behind Harry.

Ed nods shortly, and Hermione, bless her, tries to break the awkwardness by explaining what the Teacher-esuqe lady is doing. "So, erm... right now, the Sorting is happening. A first-year will be sorted into one of the four houses by the Sorting Hat - the one that was singing, I'm sure you've noticed it - and that's where they'll stay for the next seven years in Hogwarts, and, uhm."

She keeps rambling the whole time the Sorting is happening, only pausing to clap politely when a student is sorted. Finally, the line diminishes until one girl remains. As the hat sorts her into Hufflepuff (Ed's beyond _done_ with these names) the old man sitting in the middle of the head table rises, and all noise ceases - it's Dumbledore, if Ed's remembering this shit right.

The blond tunes in and leans forward despite himself, curious if Dumbledore is as lying and mad as the Ministry makes him out to be.

"To our newcomers, welcome!" Dumbledore begins, smiling at everyone in the hall. "To our old hands - welcome back! There is a time for speech-making, but this is not it. Tuck in!" He sits down with a beam, and the room fills with laughter and clapping.

As first impressions go, it's not an entirely awful, horrendous one, Ed thinks. In fact, the old geyser seems better than Ministry, if still creepy. Great, so that means literally this _entire_ mission is a wash.

In all the commotion, Ed has forgotten the golden rule of the wizarding world: that absolutely nothing is allowed to make systematic, methodical logic. So when the plates before them randomly fill up with food - and what the hell, why is _food_ teleporting now? - Ed jumps in shock.

Harry seems to remember Ed's freak-out earlier, and in vivid detail, judging by the panic on his face. "It's okay," he assures Ed. "That's normal - er, the House Elves down in the kitchen send it up."

Ed tries hard not to inform Harry that literally _nothing_ in that _entire sentence_ was normal.

He doesn't trust the food sitting in front of him at all, but a quick glance at the rest of the table assures him that everyone is eating the food heartily and no one is dying of food poisoning, _so_. That's all win. Ed shrugs and begins piling the food on his plate, scarfing it down enthusiastically as soon as it touches his plate.

The next time he looks up, Ron is gawking at how fast he's eating with - respect? Hermione, on the other hand, is radiating disapproval towards them both, lips pursed. Ed raises his eyebrows at her and keeps eating. He deserves this food, damnit.

The only shock comes when all his food vanishes in one fell swoop, to be replaced with dessert - Ed jumping again at the sudden palette switch. Ron shoots him a sympathetic look, offering a, "You'll get used t' it, mate," before the redhead starts to stuffs himself with strange-looking muffins.

Ed follows his example heartily, drawing awed and disgusting looks from around the table. After a blissfully long amount of time, Dumbledore rises from his seat and all the food vanishes, again.

Ed _really_ hates this system.

"Well, now we're all digesting another magnificent feast, I beg a few moments of your attention," Dumbledore says, and okay, Ed can see where the Ministry is getting their facts from. Like, really - who even talks like that?

Regardless, the Headmaster goes on and on about things Ed could generally not care less about. The forest is a no-no, something about magic in corridors, and Grubbly-Plank is temporarily the Care of Magical Creatures professor. Ed couldn't make this shit up if he _tried_ \- yeah, this is definitely all going in his report to Mustang. He has to complain about this to someone, doesn't he?

Dumbledore's about to carry on with more _outstandingly_ unhelpful announcements when Umbridge let out a very loud 'hem hem'. The Headmaster pauses, then turns to her as the toad rises to her feet - though, she's so short that it's hard to notice she even stands, at first. That's one item on a very small list of reasons why Ed actually likes the Ministry - there are so many short people in there, he always feels tall by comparison, it's great.

As Dumbledore realizes Umbridge intends to make a speech - Ed can't _wait_ to hear this, great - the man promptly sits and gives Umbridge his undivided attention. Ed has to admit, the old geyser has style.

The other professors of Hogwarts, though, are significantly more judgmental towards Umbridge, bless them. The professor-who-resembles-Teacher looks like she's about to possibly murder Umbridge. Ed would be fine with that - the lady'd be taking one for the team.

But whatever - Umbridge clears her throat one more time with a delicate 'hem hem', and smiles disgustingly at all the students. "Thank you Headmaster, for those kind words of welcome. Well, it is lovely to be back at Hogwarts, I must say! And to see such happy faces looking up at me!"

Ed glances around. He's not quite sure where Umbridge is looking at, but he sees _no_ happy faces. More like, faces of murderous rage and disgust, but sure.

Umbridge goes on for a little bit about friendship and happiness, which makes one of the girls further down the table mutter, "I'll be her friend as long as I don't have to borrow that cardigan." The two erupt into silent, snide laughter - and Ed likes them immediately, _just_ because they're insulting Umbridge; what are his standards, even?

The toad-lady's voice then turns brisk, as though she had practiced her words - and Ed knew she had. Back at the Ministry, he had walked in on her practicing this very speech - and hey, it was just as dull then as it was now. Just some mumbo-jumbo about the Ministry invading Hogwarts and trying to fire all the teachers while brainwashing the students, _boring_.

The professors and Hermione, though, were pretty much the only ones who actually get the meaning of the speech, the one buried deep, deep behind all the bullshit. Ed has to give Umbridge kudos for that - boring her audience _so_ much, that they physically couldn't listen to her simpering voice for one more _second_ was, admittedly, effective.

Umbridge, having finally finished her speech, sits to wildly unenthusiastic applause. Dumbledore rises once more, and thanks her politely before continuing with his literally useless announcements. He's also pretty sure Dumbledore is saying something about Quidditch tryouts - can these wizards not talk about the sport for more than five seconds?

Meanwhile, Hermione is glowering at the head table. "Yes, it was certainly illuminating," she mutters. Bingo, Hermione understands every _word_ that came out of Umbridge's mouth. Ed knew he liked her.

"You're not telling me you enjoyed it?" Ron asks incredulously, blinking the glazed look from his eyes. "That was about the dullest speech I've ever heard, and I grew up with Percy."

"I said illuminating, not enjoyable. It explained a lot," she says, and after Ron and Harry prove to be entirely clueless about the whole affair, she huffs. "It _means_ that the Ministry's interfering with Hogwarts."

Before the boys can react to _that_ fun fact, the students starts rising from their seats to leave to their dorms. Ed jumps to his feet, totally ready to pass out in his bed.

But he's fairly certain that the Ministry threw him in Harry's dorm, and since Hermione and Ron proceed to ditch them to go hang with the eleven-year-olds or something, Ed's stuck with Harry to guide him around.

Great.

 **-*-*- ( Chapter 4 - Edward POV. )**

Ahahahaha what even is pace...Because I have no idea. Anyway, here's the newest chapter! Umbridge confrontation and awkward times with Harry most likely await in the next. Thank you guys again! Sorry this one took long-ish, my school's Spring Break just ended so I haven't had so much time to write. Still, I felt like pumping this chapter out, so here!

 **oldminnie -** Woah, I'm glad you think so, and thank you!

 **QuestionablyCapableGhoul -** Oh wow, thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. And yep, the military uniform is Bad Enough, but these 'dresses' are definitely where he draws the line. And I'm super happy you think so!  
As for Ed and Umbridge, she'll be kind of upset he refusing to wear his robes, but he'll probably follow Mustang's great teachings and bullshit something up. As of right now, Umbridge likes his intelligence and appreciated his little freak-out in Chapter 2 about how no-one could come back from the dead. She figures because of that, he agrees with them that Potter and Dumbledore are insane liars. She'll be in for the shock of her life!

 **Quiet Leaf -** AHH thank you! It makes me so happy you guys think this fic is funny. And haha, I know the feeling, I'm totally exhausted right now. If you think of any of them, feel free to tell me so I know I'm doing something right! And oh, nice, good luck on your fic!

 **xXALCHEMYFREAKXx -** Thanks so much! I didn't expect people to really love this fic, and I'm super happy to be proven otherwise.

 **The Mirror Above the Sink -** Oh boy, thank you so much! And lmao, I'm sure their first encounter will be... interesting, let's go with that.  
Also, YES I can't wait to write him meeting Mold! xD it really is awful, isn't it? I'm sure Ed feels the same way...  
And wow, I'm super glad you do! I just let this story go as my imagination/plot decided, and the swearing just kind of happened along the way while I was trying to channel his inner dialogue. Mustang has tact and refinement (or he tries to have it, anyway) and Ed? Ed really doesn't.  
Thanks, I hope you like this chapter! (xD)

 **Guest -** Thank you a million times, I'm glad you've noticed that about this fic! I didn't really like how the Trio was either super suspicious to the point of OOC and hating Ed, because at heart they're still kids - Ron is oblivious with no tact, Harry is for the most part and, while he can be a little shit, is truly good at heart, and Hermione is polite and adores books, just like Ed. And Ed, while he does tend to immediately think of people of idiots, figures they're pretty okay. Sure, he thinks they're strange, but their strangeness definitely tops how the Ministry is a bunch of 'paranoid bastards', in his own words.  
And lol, good luck to him! Poor Ed, he can't beat a Valentine's or the Creevy brothers - and especially with Harry's Invisibility Cloak, Ed'll get so annoyed. And oh boy, Harry _will_ probably jump to that assumption after Ed literally does _not stop following him around_ , haha! Dumbledore's in for an awkward talk, I'll say that.

 **Golden Secrets -** Thank you so much, and ahh same! I hate waiting literal months for the next chapter of my favorite fics to come out - especially on cliffhangers!

 **TheOneYouNeverSaw -** Ohh wow, thank you. I'm glad you think it's close to character for him! I loved writing him thinking about the dresses, Umbridge, and the wizarding world, he's so _done_. Haha, I'll try!

 **SoulMore -** Wow, thanks!


	5. Chapter 5

**-*-*- ( Chapter 5 - Edward POV. )**

"Hey," Ed snaps, jogging to catch up with Harry as he's walking away, looking dejected. The alchemist figures it has something to do with the fact that his best friends have abandoned him, but it might also be the fact that everyone's whispering at Harry. And they're not the good kind of whispers, from what Ed can hear. "I'm rooming with you, don't fucking ditch me here with, like, eleven-year-olds."

Harry laughs at this and appears to cheer up - and if _Ed_ is the sole thing in his life right now that's making him happy, the kid needs to fix his priorities, stat. The blond feels he should comment on this, because he's a nice fucking _person_ , okay.

"Are you down because your lifelong friends just, like, ditched you for eleven-year-olds, or is it something else I should know about?" Ed says shortly, blowing strands of golden hair out of his face. "Because if it's the second, I'll let you know that I didn't sign on for some drama show on your love life, or some shit."

Harry laughs _again_ , what is wrong with these people? "No, it's... er, it's the first one," Harry says, smile soon vanishing. Now, instead of looking plain upset, he looks torn between being upset or confused. Ed decidedly marks that down as _progress_.

"Well, kind of. Dunno, it'd just be nice to have them right now, with, y'know, everyone staring and whispering. There was this whole... thing that, er, happened last year, people should be _over it_ by now."

Yikes. So, something happened last year that the Ministry helpful failed to tell him about, at _all_. "Sorry to disappoint, but I was in - er, Germany. I kinda have no idea what you're talking about, but." The alchemist shrugs, strolling along with Harry in silence. Their footsteps thud on the stone floor as they make their way to the Gryffindor tower, lagging far behind the crowd of students. Edward figures Harry does this on purpose to avoid the stares he's been receiving the whole time, poor bastard.

Ed hadn't thought Harry would respond to him, but after a pregnant increasingly awkward pause, he does. "A... friend of mine, uh, died last year, and I was the only other one there, I guess. It was nothing. Er, I'm sure you'll hear about it from others soon enough." Harry scowls, tone bitter, and Ed decides he doesn't want to touch this topic with a ten-fucking-foot-pole.

"Right," the alchemist mutters, sticking his hands in pockets. The two walk in an increasingly awkward silence until Harry suddenly stops before the painting of a really fat woman - and holy _shit_ the painting is moving.

Ed _doesn't_ flinch, thank you, as the woman turns towards them haughtily, golden goblet clutched in painted hand. How does this even work, again? "Password?"

The blond turns to Harry - surely the kid knows the password, he's been at this crazy school for years. But Harry freezes, shifting nervously in place. "Er..."

"No password, no entrance!" the painting lady declares, and isn't that just _fantastic_.

But then, plot twist, Neville comes racing down the hallway until he reaches them. "Harry!" he pants, bending over. "I-I know it! I know the password!"

The hell? But Harry looks equally grateful and really proud of Neville, so okay.

"Guess what it is? I'm going to remember it, for once - " then Neville starts to wave some plant around, which is probably magical and quasi-murderous, judging by how Ed's day is going so far.

"Mimbuius mimbletonia!"

The portrait swings open, and whoever the fuck is choosing the passwords for this tower, Ed's going to have a _really_ long talk with them.

The three climb in through the portrait, and apparently Neville finally realizes that Ed is there, because he makes some lame as hell excuse and dashes off to the other side of the common room. With a quick glance around, Ed briefly takes in a large, cozy room, but Harry doesn't wait long enough to give him a grand tour.

"C'mon," Harry says quietly as several conversations cut off abruptly when he and Ed step through the room - meaning that the conversations were about them. Or, more specifically, about _Potter_. The kid storms off the the stairs, climbing them like they lead to the Holy Grail or some shit, and leaves Ed to pretend he's not scrambling after Harry.

By the time he catches up with the dark-haired boy, Potter is slamming open a door and marching inside, presumably entering his dorms. Ed decides to not immediately follow him, since the wizard looks like he needed to blow off steam, like, _yesterday_.

So when the yelling starts from inside, between Harry and what sounds like a kid yelling to 'leave my mother out of this, Potter!', Edward can't _exactly_ say he's surprised. With a sigh, he rolls his eyes and is about to storm into the room to shut them all up when Harry's friend, the redhead - Don? Ron? Ed's close enough, _whatever_ \- comes up behind him. He shoots a questioning look at the blond, which Ed blatantly ignores, before entering the dorm.

Maybe Don will solve the problem, Ed thinks wistfully - he'd like to go to sleep sometime _today_. But Ed's hopes are ruined as the shouting reaches a literal maximum _-_ wow, great diplomatic skills, Don.

Shortly after the redhead enters, Harry shouts, "That's before she started believing every word the stinking Daily Prophet writes about me!" And _no_ , Ed is not eavesdropping by now, _thank_ you. But teenage angst bullshit is kind of fun to listen to, because. Reasons, okay.

"Yeah?" Don? Ron? snaps from somewhere inside the dorms. "Well, unfortunately for you, Seamus, I'm also a Prefect! So watch your mouth!"

Well, damn. Ed _really_ doesn't want to go in and have to deal with this, but sleep is vital to human survival, apparently. The alchemist lets out a long-suffering sigh before stomping into the room, effectively drawing all eyes away from Harry and onto him. That's one way to do it, he muses, as Neville lets out a squeak.

Harry rounds on Ed the second he enters. "D' _you_ think I'm mad, too?" Harry says demandingly, all bitter and angry-like. But hell, Ed doesn't take it personally.

"Er." Is the only response the blond can think of. Ed doesn't think that 'well, yeah, that's the reason I'm here - to spy on you because you're crazy' would go over too well.

But Harry seems to have been distracted by Neville, who is quick to reassure Potter than he and his grandmother believe him. It seems to boost the kid's mood. But then another kid (seriously, how many people can this room hold?) pipes up with information that Ed doesn't care about, how his parents don't know a thing about 'all the deaths at Hogwarts'.

And, _shit_ , that was a tidbit Ed would have like to known _any_ _time_ before now. The hell, how many people have died here?

Anyway, the final kid in the room, Seamus, glares at them all like it's him against the rest of the world. Ed knows the feeling, but still, there's a time and a place. "You don't know me mum! She'd weas-"

"I don't give a crap," Ed snaps, interrupting him. Crude, maybe, but hey! It works - Seamus shuts up and starts to gape at Edward. Before he can smarten up into arguing again, the alchemist hastily continues. "I get you guys probably have a lot of parent influences. Whatever. I don't _care_. I just need to go to fucking sleep, so could you argue about this in the goddamn afternoon?"

Harry trades a glance with Ron, and the pair shrug in apparent agreement. Though Potter's expression is still pissy and miserable, _yikes_. Seamus huffs and glowers at Ed, but he crawls into bed and slams the curtains into place, so. Total win.

Without waiting for anyone else, Ed heads to the final remaining bed. It was probably hastily set up for him, judging by how it's crammed into the corner. Regardless, the alchemist crawls under the covers without bothering to change or undo his braid, too occupied with thoroughly cussing this entire mission. He has to deal with school, bratty teens, _and_ his automail is aching from the shitty weather.

Before he drifts off, Ed's head reminds him that he has _way_ too many reports to give. However, in the blond's impartial opinion, Mustang and Umbridge can go fuck themselves, _so_.

 **-*-*- ( Author's Note. )**

Umbridge confrontation will have to wait, b/c I didn't fit it in this chapter, in the interest of time. But hey, awkward times with Harry were definitely in here!

Also, I'm sorry this took a while and is relatively short. My homework and projects suddenly just piled up a whole lot, but they seem to be slowing now. So, expect another chapter...soon-ish!

 **Golden Secrets -** Haha, I'm super glad you liked it, and that you think I'm a great writer! Hopefully, you continue to enjoy future chapters. And absolutely, every review definitely fills me with inspiration, and cheer me up as well! So thank you.

 **Guest -** xD you're welcome! Oh wow, that's amazing that you think so - I'm aiming for it to be funny and entertaining but I thought I might be missing a bit, lol. Yep, even Ron's three-letter name isn't safe from Ed's inattention. And lmao! Haggard and Mold is an excellent 70's band name - but it absolutely will!  
Yeah, that would have lead to some awkward questions - it's a good thing Hermione actually has social graces. And Ed and Filch, oh dear. That'll be an interesting meeting /confrontation! Especially since _Filch_ , on the other hand, has _no_ social graces.

 **The Mirror Above the Sink -** Of course! And haha, I can't wait to write it. Oh, wow, I'm so happy you liked that! Ed is 100% done with this world and their apparent cereals... ah, and _absolutely_ you can! It's so cool you like it enough for that.  
I'm right with you murdering her - and nobody likes her as a teacher, especially Ed when he sees her teaching style. And nope, she won't - Umbitch would like for him to have as much time to observe Harry and Dumbledore, no matter how upset she gets with him. Snape will have been told that Ed is working for the Ministry, but that's all I'm saying about Snape so far! But ha, I really want to write Snape in very, very soon.  
Oh, I sure hope not, poor Ed xD! But I totally agree that Hogwarts has been a bit lacking in the male department. And lmao he's perfect, aside from... all that lol shh.

 **calcu22 -** Thank you! I'm glad you like how I write him.

 **juliettacapuleto21 -** Aaah, it makes me super happy you thought this fic was funny, omg. Yeah, I really wanted to give him that type of attitude, and that's just how it sort of happened when I began writing this, lol. Thank you so much, and I'll do my absolutely best to update quickly! It won't ever be abandoned, though.

 **RoseBadwolf1000 -** Thank you so much, I'm excited to write future chapters! And that's one of the best compliments I can get, I hoped they would come across as accurate. Don't worry, Ed's going to take all the opportunities he can to complain to him. Ah, poor Mustang. And I'll just say that they won't for a while, because Dumbledore is clearly avoiding him and none of the Order is keen at all about sharing any information with Harry :(.

 **betsybugaboo -** AAA, I'm glad you like it, thank you!

 **SpriteBlazer -** I'm happy that you do, I definitely enjoyed writing it, lol.

 **TheCandyChild** \- Oh jeez, thank you so much! Haha, I love him too, and writing him and his inner dialogue is a blast. And oh yes, Umbridge totally will.  
That was one of my favorite parts to write - the Minister being terrified of a teenager is pretty sad for the magical government. Though, Amestris probably wasn't very gentle in their talks with England, so.  
Yes, he is going to 'fuck shit up', but in a good and definitely awesome Ed-way. Yeah, the Trio are getting weird vibes from him, but they haven't scratched the surface of Ed - good luck, Trio, lmao. I'm glad you like this fic, and I look forward to writing those bits - Ed with the teachers will hopefully be hilarious!


End file.
